Revolutionary Girl
by Skitts
Summary: mild disney bashing: "Sure, I'll be a princess," said Kairi. "I'll paint my face and empty my head and look down on those who aren't as good as me. Any questions?"
1. the beautiful people

**Revolutionary Girl  
**The Beautiful People

* * *

Kairi fidgeted in her plush chair, back sinking into the multitude of feather-soft cushions behind her. It was, she decided, like being eaten by a marshmallow.

What a way to die.

No, she would **not** die like that. What would Sora and Riku think, spending so long trying to save their princess only to have her engulfed by a sugar-spun piece of pure doom and evil?

Sora would cry. Riku would kill things. But then, after a suitable period of grieving, they'd probably laugh. Kairi didn't blame them – she'd laugh as well.

"Are you alright, Kairi?" asked Alice worriedly, a delicate china cup of tea in her hands and a delicate look about her pale face. Her eyes were very blue, her hair very blonde.

Kairi felt uncomfortable as she looked down the long table, eyes dancing across the faces of all the beautiful people assembled before her.

The princesses.

What the hell was she doing here at this stupid little tea party with her messy hair and bitten nails? What the hell was she doing with all those impossibly attractive fairytale creatures? What the **hell** was she doing if she thought she could fool anyone she was a princess?

Kairi became uncomfortably aware of her bitten nails on the tabletop and drew them to her lap quickly, attempting to keep her face calm.

It felt like being at high school, attempting to win the trust of the popular people, attempting to look like them and dress like them and act like them and **become **them.

But no, that wasn't fair – Kairi hadn't **wanted** to be a princess to begin with. She had been happy on her island throwing crabs at Wakka and climbing trees and collecting driftwood to make rafts and tree houses and wooden swords. She had been happy with dirt under her nails, running around in the sand with no shoes or socks.

Yet here she was.

She remembered a conversation she had had with Sora a couple of years ago before the heartless came and everything changed. Before Riku became a hero and Sora saved the world and Kairi found a crown on her head.

"_Do you remember your own world? Do you ever want to go back?"_

Kairi looked around her own world, her own castle, her own bitten fingers cradled against the pink material of her skirt, and shuddered.

_No, Sora, I really don't. Can you burst in here, decapitate them all and save me? Please? I didn't know it then but I do now. I really _was_ happy at Destiny Islands. Sora, if you _really _loved me you'd kill them all._

Kairi's bitten nails dug into her skin.

_Sora, if you _really _loved me_ _you'd kill me so I don't have to sit here like an idiot drinking _tea _and I don't even _like _tea and _shit they're all staring_._

"I'm fine, Alice," Kairi lied.

If Aurora or Cinderella had asked the very same question she probably would've responded with some form of sarcasm (she couldn't stand those two) but, as it was, she liked Alice. Liked her more than the others, anyway.

All vain creatures that spent hours anointing their faces with lipstick and eyeliner as if they were preparing for battle, swishing around ballrooms in fancy dresses that cost more than having a kidney removed and smiling vapidly at pretty men in the hopes that they would be their prince charming.

It made Kairi feel queasy, and she took a slow sip of her tea to calm her down. Ha. Chance would be a fine thing. The damn drink could've been laced with morphine and it wouldn't have done one jot of good or stopped her fingers shaking as her thumb made its steady pilgrimage to her mouth, teeth nibbling at the corner of the nail.

She couldn't help but note that Aurora looked vaguely disgusted at her actions. Damn bitch had already chewed her out over her favourite pink zip-up dress, protesting that it was "too short."

Come on, this was the twenty first century, for crying out loud. Who was that chick _kidding _anyway with that medieval-style blue (or pink) dress and that tiara placed pretentiously over her sunshine-coloured hair?

If she thought Kairi was going to give up her kick-boxing and short skirts just because she sighed disapprovingly at her, well… She was going to be sorely disappointed. Even more so than she was already.

"Kairi, don't bite your nails. It's uncouth," Cinderella informed her crisply. "Princesses don't act like that."

_No, princesses sit on their asses looking pretty, marry rich men so they don't have to worry anymore_ and sew buttons on shirts_ while their husbands are off fighting evil and what have you – yes, perfect happily ever after there…_

Kairi was never very good at needlework anyway.

"Don't want to _be _a princess," she replied childishly.

"Oh, but you _must_. You can't shirk responsibility," Snow White tutted, waving her finger back and forth.

She was… bearable, for the most part, if slightly aggravating in the way she flounced and fluttered and shook her head. Sort of like a mother. Or a chicken.

"I know it's hard, but you've _really_ got to learn if you're going to step up to the throne of Radiant Garden someday. King Mickey said himself that he desired it. You can't heap all the burden on Leon and the others – it just isn't right."

"You're very strong-willed, Kairi," Belle nodded. "We were all impressed when we heard how you helped Sora in the final battle. But…"

"But if you're a princess you can't do stuff like that anymore. What if you got hurt? What would Radiant Garden do if you died?" Jasmine asked, adjusting her blue headband.

"What they've been doing for the past ten years while I was with Sora and Riku?"

Aurora sighed, massaging her scalp as though Kairi was giving her a headache. "Right, that's it. I don't **care** if you don't want to be a princess, Kairi. Sad thing is, you already **are** one. We're just going to have to make you act like one and we don't have enough time for you to sit there eating your fingers and acting like a two-year-old."

Kairi blinked slowly, fingers still working down her nail despite the plates of food that littered the table. She couldn't help but notice that none of the girls had taken any of it, even though Snow White was surveying a plate of rosy red apples with mild intrigue.

It was exactly like being the unpopular girl (glasses, braces, ginger hair, freckles, the works) sat amongst the cheerleaders, even in so much as the fact that none of them ate, all skinny as beanpoles.

She wondered if diet pills had anything to do with the matter.

"I'm not a princess."

"You will be."

"How long have we got?" asked Belle, ever the intelligent one. Always concerned over figures and facts and weighing up all the pros and cons before making a move. Belle was quite nice, really.

Well, she _would've _been quite nice if she wasn't encouraging Aurora and Cinderella, the captains of their sick little cheer squad, if you will.

"Seven days," Cinderella replied, coating her lips in a dusky pink hue and puckering them before a compact mirror.

"_Seven_?"

"It can be done. It won't be easy… Heaven knows it won't be easy. But we can do it. We will do it. And Kairi will become a princess. We promised the King."

"Hmn…" Kairi surveyed the beautiful people again, eyes lidded. No use trying to argue now. No use kicking and screaming and digging her trainer'd heels into the floor. No use. No more.

She was going to go along with their stupid plan. And she was going to be ladylike about it.

She was going to be exactly like all the ladies sat before her.

And they were going to wish that they had never been born.

* * *

**a.n: **this story sort of reminds me of the princess diaries, expect kairi is much more conniving and much more dangerous ;D but no, it's not slasher. it's mild humour and, most of all, all the things about princess aurora that really pissed me off when i watched sleeping beauty through again yesterday.

please enjoy the show & wonder what kairi does next D


	2. the cat debacle

**Revolutionary Girl  
**The Cat Debacle

* * *

Wonderland was a very strange place. So strange, in fact, it was almost impossible to describe. Hmn, where to start, where to start? Well, Kairi reasoned with her inner subconscious, it's always best to begin at the beginning, if that made any sort of sense.

The very first thing the red-head noticed once her black'n'pink trainer'd feet hit the ground was the sky. It was bright blue, except when it wasn't, because sometimes when Kairi looked up it was violet or yellow or even lime green. The sky wasn't the only thing that liked to cycle through the spectrum, either – on closer inspection, the ground, the trees and the plants were all doing it as well. It was, Kairi decided, like being trapped in a bag full of skittles. Taste the rainbow indeed.

The second thing Kairi noticed was that the plants all seemed to be _talking_, which was, understandably, quite alarming. As Alice led Kairi through the woods, the girl couldn't help hearing whispered snatches of conversation between some gargantuan primroses; '_are they new flowers_?', '_such strange petals…_', '_I think they're pretty_.'

"Do the flowers often talk, or I am just going insane?" asked the pink-clad girl as she cast a wary eye about her surroundings.

"Oh yes," Alice replied in an amicable voice, walking in a very dainty, lady-like way. Kairi frowned and shuffled along behind her, feet slapping loudly against the ground as she did so. It was a walk she liked to call 'the Riku walk', which the silver-haired teen often adapted when he was in a bad mood and wanted the whole world to know of his pain. "Kairi, would you mind moving with a tad more… Decorum?" inquired the blonde, turning to nail the princess between the eyes with a large, blue-eyed gaze.

"You shouldn't _stare_. It's rude," Kairi replied in a detached voice, changing the noise of her footfalls not one iota.

Alice sighed and bit the bottom of her lip, before adopting a fake smile. "Hmn, I suppose so. Well, would you like to know what I will be teaching you today?"

"_Teaching _me?" Kairi raised an eyebrow, the very same eyebrow that had caused Aurora to shriek in alarm because it wasn't plucked perfectly and looked 'so rough and messy!'. "You're like ten years old!"

"Maybe so, but I was still assigned to this job so could you _please _try and be a little less difficult?" Alice pleaded.

Kairi sighed, feeling a tad mean for acting so obnoxious. But still, she had a _right_. She didn't _want _to be a princess and, under other circumstances, she probably would have behaved rather civilly around the young girl. However, from her point of view, at that precise moment in time Alice was the _enemy _and should be eliminated.

Well, maybe not eliminated…

The red-head didn't bother replying. Instead, she followed that sigh with a cursory check of her fingernails, picking pieces of dirt out from beneath them.

"I thought I would help you work on your table manners," Alice replied after a long pause, skirting past random pieces of undergrowth. Kairi, ever the lady, stomped straight through it despite a few cries of pain that sounded from beneath her shoes. "I was going to attend a tea party with the Mad Matter-"

"Oh yes, it sounds like a _very_ sophisticated party. Mad Hatter indeed…" Kairi scoffed, kicking the ground.

Which just so happened to be orange.

* * *

"Twinkle, twinkle, little bat…"

Kairi sighed, elbows plonked on the far-too-pink tablecloth and eyes scanning the far-too-whimsical landscape with minimal interest. Her teacup lay abandoned to one side after a loud proclamation that "I don't like tea", to which Alice had signed and reprimanded her on her rudeness.

And, as luck would have it, it looked suspiciously like she was about to do it again. Already the blonde had her eyes wide, mouth opened, as if incredulous to the red-head's blatant bad manners.

Kairi even allowed her to get a soft "don't-" out before she interrupted her.

"That was a very nice song, dormouse," the red-head smiled, though it were a smile most sickly _indeed_. Dear God, even Sora would've been able to see that she was lying through her teeth, and Sora thought the world of her. Or _worlds_ of her. Whatever.

Alice frowned at being interrupted in this rude manner, but let the comment slide. Kairi was very thankful, to say the least – throughout the whole tea party it had been a case of "Kairi, do this" or "Kairi, don't do that" or "Kairi, don't make aeroplanes with your napkin."

Not that the actual _hosts_ of the party seemed to mind too much. On the contrary, they were too busy swapping chairs and attempting to pour tea from illogically-shaped pots (one of them even lacked a spout, and Kairi allowed them to shake it for several minutes before pointing out one would have to be very, very blind or very, very stupid to expect any tea out of it).

If everything she learnt here would put her on the path to becoming a lady, then perhaps she should start wearing silly hats and buttering her watch now to save time?

Unfortunately, Kairi had no doubts that the princesses – most especially dear old Cindy – would not entail such actions as 'ladylike'. Instead, they'd call her a lunatic.

_I'm not crazy – I'm just misunderstood!_

Or something along those lines, anyway.

"So, -hic!- Kairi," said the Mad Hatter, and if Kairi hadn't known better she'd have said he was drunk. Or maybe he was just one of those people who could get hyper off thin air…? "Tell us about yourself."

"Well…" the girl mused, leaning back on her chair – at this Alice sighed, but had long since stopped bothering to correct her. "My name is Jamal, I'm related to Bigfoot and I like long, relaxing walks across sandy beaches."

"Uh!" Alice laughed nervously at these blatant lies, rubbing the back of her head. If it were some sort of weird manga Kairi had been plonked in, and not a red chair at a pink dinner table, a giant tear-shaped drop of sweat would've rolled down the girl's forehead. "Kairi's such a joker! Aren't you, Kairi? She's really a trainee princess of heart and-"

"I like to stab things," the red-head interjected dully, watching with mild amusement as the dormouse widened his eyes in horror. With a grin, she reached out for her fork (even though she wasn't exactly sure _why _it was there, unless they expected her to cut up her tea and eat it piece by piece) and started to twirl it idly between two of her fingers. "_And _I have a cat."

What followed next could only be described as complete and utter pandemonium.

The dormouse squeaked in alarm at the mention of felines and dashed across the table-top as though searching for a hiding place, several plates fell to the floor and exploded in shards of pointed crockery, the March Hare overbalanced on his chair and fell to the floor and Alice – dear, sweet little Alice – screamed as the mouse found sanctuary up her demure blue-and-white dress, subsequently pouring scalding tea down her front.

And Kairi sat and watched, grinning slightly like a devil-child as she surveyed the carnage.

"Oops," she said after a long pause, during which Alice's hair started to frizz out, her dress started to stain and her cries of "I'm burning!" subsided a tad. "Did I say _cat_? How silly of me. I meant, I have a _hat_."

Of course.

What else would she have meant?

* * *

**a.n: homg an acktual UPDATE for this fic? wowz. so that's alice down, five more to go. btw, i don't actually hate the disney princesses. i think they're pretty nifty. it's just fun to torture them so xD eh, all the chapters in this are prolly gunna be pretty short too, i'm afraid. i just lack inspiration xD**


	3. ignorance is bliss

**Revolutionary Girl  
**Ignorance is Bliss

* * *

"Urgh! It's hot here," Kairi sighed, fanning herself with one hand like some sort of demented hummingbird. Sure, she was used to the heat – she lived on a tropical island, after all – but the dry weather in Agrabah was far more extreme. Her limbs felt all lethargic, her eyes were burning and her hair seemed to be _wilting_. Or melting.

It was hard to tell.

"Yes, it is rather warm," Jasmine agreed, nodding her head in a rather knowledgeable manner. "But don't worry. You'll get used to it!"

"I sure hope so," Kairi pouted, still flapping madly.

"You shouldn't do that. It'll just make you hotter," the princess pointed out, folding her arms at Kairi's rampant disregard for common sense.

"Hmph."

However, due to the fact that her flailing was only making it _worse_, Kairi decided to listen to Jasmine. Just this once. She didn't want to overheat or anything.

_Although… I bet if I turned into a pile of goo, it'd be a pretty _sexy_ pile of goo! _

Kairi blinked.

_Uhhm. Okay. Maybe the heat's getting to my head._

Attempting to distract herself from her own inner musings (that were getting progressively crazier and crazier), the girl allowed her eyes to scan the marketplace.

Multi-coloured stalls, over-zealous shopkeepers, a wide assortment of goods that varied from bright red apples to precious stones the size of fists; the pleasant cacophony of sounds and pictures was sort of like Wonderland.

Only the sky remained blue.

Quite stubbornly so.

"Sugared dates! Sugared dates and pistachios!" proclaimed a rather jolly man, scooping fistfuls of nuts from a barrel to his right.

"Watermelons! Fruit fit for a princess!"

"Fresh fish! We catch them, you buy them!"

"Would the pretty lady like a necklace? Pretty necklace for a pretty lady!"

Kairi found herself lingering before each store, scanning their wares with much interest; the luxuriant watermelons, the grey-blue fish with gaping mouths, the solid gold karat necklaces studded with jewels…

"Don't hover too long," Jasmine advised her, tugging slightly at Kairi's wrist. "They'll think you're going to buy something. You'll only offend them when you don't."

"I thought they'd _like_ it if I took an interest?"

"Not if you don't have any money."

And, with that, the raven-haired princess cast a dark look towards a rather chubby man with evil eyes and a long beard. He looked like the sort who wouldn't hesitate to dismember a young child if he caught them loitering.

And, judging by the size of them, eat the leftover carcass.

"C'mon, Kairi," Jasmine said, still tugging. And then, under her breath, "There are some strange people 'round here…"

"I couldn't agree more," Kairi said, nodding her head vigorously. "That little princess club you hang around with, for starters. You know what some people call you?"

"Hmn?" Jasmine raised an eyebrow, as though nothing Kairi could say would ever ruffle her immaculate feathers. With a flick of her ebony hair and a delicate snort, the woman asked, in a rather dignified way; "No, I do not know what others call us. Perhaps you could enlighten me?"

"Certainly," Kairi beamed, voice rigid with decorum. "They call you 'the place where intelligence goes to die'."

Jasmine's doe-like eyes narrowed.

"How perfectly _charming_."

* * *

The palace was an amazing place; white marble pillars and tasteful décor. Not even Kairi could hide her amazement at all the grandeur. Of course, the beautiful interior left a bitter taste in her mouth. The divide between classes in Agrabah was sharp, almost painfully so.

While people outside wore rags and ate from the garbage (rotten food left over from the market), Jasmine and her father were attired in satin from head-to-toe and lived in rooms the size of Kairi's house. Hell, even Jasmine's _tiger_ lived in the lap of luxury.

However, that didn't mean Kairi wasn't going to enjoy herself.

"Duuude," she laughed, twirling round in the main hall. She marvelled at how her voice echoed, loud enough to send thousands of faux Kairis into awed exclamations. "This place is _awesome_!"

"I'm glad you like it," Jasmine smiled, happy that the red-head seemed less focused on insulting her and more interested in making a lot of noise. Which wasn't exactly good, but it was a start. "We'll be taking tea in the dining room; to work on your table manners."

Kairi paused, arms still outstretched and shoes squeaking across the floor. She was probably getting sand all over the place.

Oops.

"I thought I already learnt about table manners from Alice?" the red-head asked, head cocked to one side and a quizzical expression on her face. "Why don't you teach me _important_ stuff, like how to say 'hello' in twelve different languages or 'can you pass me the butter, please' in Swahili?"

Jasmine frowned at Kairi's sarcasm, folding her arms across her chest.

Again.

"Well, considering your lesson with Alice was a bit of disaster…"

"Haha. 'A bit'," Kairi laughed, twirling once more like a ballerina. "At least they taught you tact."

"Yes," Jasmine replied tersely, "and we hope to teach you the same thing."

"Meh… Believe what you wanna believe, I guess. Ignorance is bliss, and all that jazz!"

* * *

Kairi's taste buds were screaming at her; literally _screaming_. It was all she could do to stop herself retching all over the finely laid table.

She had first assumed (wrongly, of course) that if you lived in a palace you got served food that was, well…

_Edible_.

At least she could go and tell those children on the streets that it was better to starve than be subjected to the Sultan's cooking. Truth be told, she'd rather have a platter of mouldy bread and a bruised apple than this… This…

This bland, tasteless _mush_.

"Do you like my cooking?" the Sultan asked expectantly, voice hopeful. "The royal cook insisted that he prepare the meal, but I wanted to make it more personal! Being a princess just like my daughter, I assumed you'd appreciate the effort. Don't you, Miss Kairi?"

"I… Ah… _Ack_!" the red-head chocked, fingers finding her throat. Hacking violently, the girl convulsed, attempting to swallow.

_Urgh…_

The food was slippery as it went down her throat, and seemed to stick at random places. Doubtless, this wasn't very healthy.

"It's… Uhm… 'Really nice'! Aheh…" the red-head lied valiantly, eyeing Jasmine from beneath her hair. The princess' eyes were narrowed, arms folded – that seemed to be her favourite pose.

Although…

Jasmine hadn't touched any of her food.

_Well, she could've _warned _me this tasted like crap or something! God… My stomach's all funny… I don't feel so good…_

"Kairi? Kairi, are you alright?" the Sultan asked, slightly alarmed as the girl began to choke once more, eyes watering. "Do you want me to call someone? Jasmine! Jasmine, go over there and help Miss Kairi – I think she's-"

"Bleurgh!"

And with a heave, a grimace and a shudder, the poor red-headed heroine was disgustingly, copiously _sick_ all over Jasmine's baby-blue top.

"I… Er…" Kairi flushed a delicate shade of pink, scooting away from the enraged (and disgusted) princess because she could impale her with a fork. "I'm sorry? Ehehe…?"

"This is my _favourite _outfit!" Jasmine cried in response, chest heaving up and down. She looked vaguely murderous; obviously, people did not throw up on her every day.

"Um… Ooops?"

* * *

**a.n: yayyy. another chapter. only four more princesses to go :D **


End file.
